Conversations With Death

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week 6 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

 My subject is: all or nothing. 

It was submitted by: https://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/

My only explanation is that I've been reading Discworld and Death is my favorite and my cats all did these things. 

                            _____________________

Death, the real Death and friend of Sir Terry Pratchett, stood beside me looking out the back window at the rising sun, both of us with hot mugs of peppermint mocha coffee warming our hands in the cool winter morning. This guy. We'd been hanging out regularly when he had some down time, and it was finally time to have a talk. THE talk. 

"listen, we have to talk about the cats thing"

THE CATS THING?

"Yes. Cats. Your obsession with cats"

I AM DEATH. I DO NOT OBSESS OVER CATS.

"Listen, I've read the books. I know what you told Ipslore the Red about cats being the only thing that makes life worth living. I've read them all."

"IF, SAY, I DID BELIEVE SUCH A THING, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE THE PROBLEM. YOU HAVE SO MANY?

"I knew it! I knew that's why you liked to visit here."

BUT NOT THE ONLY REASON. YOU DO MAKE A COFFEE TO DIE FOR.

"Always with the puns, you."

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

"Oh I think you do. You're, uh, eye flames or whatever flash a deeper blue when you're being coy.

I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME HERE. WHAT ABOUT THE CATS?

"Do you know what they did yesterday?"

OF COURSE I DON'T.

"That was a rhetorical....Anyway, they broke into my refrigerator and stole the good turkey!"

WHAT IS GOOD TURKEY?

"The really delicious, thick turkey for sandwiches that costs me too much money..."

SO DEFINITELY DELICIOUS TO CATS?

"Well, yes..."

AND YOU DO NOT SHARE?

"No, it's for me, duh."

HMMM. THEY MAY HAVE REASON TO THIEVE IT FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THEN, DONT YOU THINK?

"ok then how about the time they broke into the bathroom and ate toilet paper and threw it up everywhere?"

WHAT?

"They somehow got the door open to basically the outhouse and ate some toilet paper and threw it up all over the carpet."

WHY DO YOU HAVE PAPER FOR YOUR TOILET? DOES IT HELP IT TO WORK?

"It's for...nevermind. Nevermind. What about the time one of them peed on the stove?"

PERHAPS ALL THE BOXES FOR THEIR BUSINESS WERE OCCUPIED?

"But why the stove??"

WELL, IT IS THE CLOSEST TO THEIR BUSINESS ROOM IS IT NOT?

"Ok then. Ok. Ok. what about the time Seymour started throwing up while pooping in one of their 'business boxes' and ran out while still pooping all the way to the carpet to finish pooping and threw up at the same time all while making eye contact with me?!

IS MY LITTLE ORANGE BOY OKAY? IS HE SICK? HIS LIFE TIMER IS STILL RATHER FULL.

"...he's fine. You know how he is."

YES. HE IS DEFINITELY A LITTLE ON THE SICKLY SIDE. BUT SO ARE MANY OF THE OTHERS. FOR SOMEONE COMPLAINING ABOUT CATS, YOU HAVE TAKEN ON THE HARDEST TO CARE FOR.

"Yes, but I mean...can't you see they're little demons and not exactly the only thing that makes life worth living? They are stubborn and difficult and forces of destruction."

OH THEY CANNOT BE DEMONS. I KNOW DEMONS. DEMONS ARE NOT THIS DOCILE.

"Docile? These assholes? Are you kidding me?"

TRUST ME. YOU DO NOT WANT ACTUAL DEMONS. DEMONS, UNLIKE CATS, ARE ALL OR NOTHING. YOU EITHER BEND TO THEIR TOTAL EVIL OR YOU ARE CRUSHED INTO NOTHING.

I take a moment to glance his way. His eyes glow a serene blue. He's not in any way being facetious even though he just exactly described my horde. And as the cats come up in ones and twos to get some ear scritches and skeletal blood and show love the best they can to our guest and then to me so I'm not left out, I suppose they are pretty rad even though they are, in fact, demons. I had been thinking he was too easily fooled by their cuteness, but maybe I was being a little too harsh in my frustration. I'd certainly gotten highly skilled at cleaning carpets and upholstery, and you never know when that might come in handy...

I sat my mug on the counter and reached down to pick up a grey ball of fluff who nuzzled my neck and gave me a polite little meow. And if he could, I swear, Death would be purring himself.

                         ____________________

Here are the other posts for today. Please enjoy:

Baking In A Tornado https://www.bakinginatornado.com/2020/11/going-and-gone-secret-subject-swap.html

Wandering Web Designer https://wanderingwebdesigner.com/blog

A ‘lil HooHaa https://hoohaa.com/

The Crazy Mama Llama https://crazymamallama.blogspot.com

Part-time Working Hockey Mom https://thethreegerbers.blogspot.com/2020/11/secret-subject-swap-family-traditions.html