A New Kind of Blue

Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

My words are: lively, hop, hands down, give an inch, popular. They were submitted by: http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com

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The day before Trump was inaugurated, I lost one of my furbabies (I wrote about it a little before). I’d had Cap since he was just 3 months old, and, at 10 years, he had lived a long, full life for a great dane, but neither of us was ready to say goodbye. Life had other plans though, and after a short battle with a mysterious illness and a 2 year bout with cancer, he took his last breath here at home getting love until the end. It has been (and still is) a devastating loss. Even with all the pets I still live with, the house felt empty. A dog that large with that huge of a personality makes his place in a home. He was part of the family, 100%.

That hurt really took its toll the way that only grief can, and life sort of lost whatever luster it had left especially with Trump taking over, the insanity of our current government, and other life troubles I dealt with at the same time. I was overwhelmed by everything, but not having Cap here to listen to me bitch about it while he looked up at me with those big browns and begged for “rookies” (Scooby doo speak for cookie) left me shattered and feeling those first tendrils of depression taking hold pulling me into the dark.

And then by a small miracle I happened to look on a swap and shop page on Facebook and found an ad for 10 week old great dane puppies. It wasn’t much of an ad--seriously just a woman without a profile picture commenting that she was posting for friends. She didn’t have any idea of the cost (usually this breed is reeeeallllllly expensive, like way out of my cost of living) or how old they were or any details, but she left the number of the owners, and I took a screenshot of it while I mulled over what to do. I mean, let’s face it, buying a dog versus adopting is irresponsible as it is, and my household needs another dog about like we all need lobotomies, but everyone here was hurting, and every dog deserves a good home no matter whether you pay money or adopt one. I know I am justifying here, but every other animal in this house has been rescued and often nursed back from being extremely sick. Just ask my cats. Also, if you have ever been around a dane or live with one, you know there is really no substitute for the giant lap dog mentality and clumsy goofiness, so I figured I would reach out just to see…there’s no hurt in asking, right?

Two days later I traveled down to their house and brought home our new addition, a blue dane we named Rost. Of course I did.

I don’t think I can put into words how much this not-so-little, lively bag of elbows has lifted our spirits. He isn’t Cap by any means, and that’s okay. It’s not a competition or a popularity contest, and I try my best not to compare them, so in no way has he completely erased the hurt and loss I have felt the last couple months, but there’s a new levity here filled with laughs, floopy lips, and doofy ears.

Part of the therapeutic nature of this whole thing is how much attention the little shit requires. Haha. He is absolutely a handful. With him, you absolutely cannot give an inch. One minute you’re folding clothes and the next he is running out of your room with your favorite plush owl in his jowls. Give two dogs the same chew toy and he will throw a tantrum because he wants both. He also throws tantrums when you disturb his sleep or walk in the kitchen (because he doesn’t like the floor and won’t follow you), when you pay attention to anything but him, and when you make him complete commands before he can get a treat. He is a great dane through and through with all their weird, breed-specific idiosyncrasies, but he definitely has his own personality.

He’s been here 6 weeks and in that time, he has mastered about 8 commands, learned to walk on a leash, and potty outside. There is no end to my delight when we’re working on commands, and he hops back into “sit” with those ears still flapping. And the other animals have really taken to him, especially my old dog Georgia. She has played more and gotten more exercise in the past few weeks than she has in months. The two of them are adorable together. Life is adorable, and I’m happier than I can remember being in a while. Hands down, this is one of the best completely irresponsible decisions (out of many, many irresponsible decisions) I have made in my life, and I wouldn’t trade it or him for anything even when he does pretend he hasn’t gotten too big already to lay between the couch and coffee table on top of my feet. These days I cry from laughter far more than the empty weight of loss, and that’s no small victory.

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Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

Baking In A Tornado http://www.bakinginatornado.com/2017/04/cookies-or-jail-use-your-words.html

Spatulas on Parade http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/

The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver http://www.thediaryofanalzheimerscaregiver.com/blog.html

Sparkly Poetic Weirdo http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/

On the Border http://dlt-lifeontheranch.blogspot.com/

Bookworm in the Kitchen http://www.bookwormkitchen.com/

The Bergham Chronicles http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com

Simply Shannon http://shannonbutler.org

Southern Belle Charm http://www.southernbellecharm.com

The Angrivated Mom http://www.angrivatedmom.wordpress.com/

Climaxed http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com

Not That Sarah Michelle http://notthatsarahmichelle.blogspot.com

Looking Back

feel free to roll your eyes at a typical end of the year post. i even rolled them at myself. 

The end of the year is oftentimes a period of reflection for many of us. What did we accomplish this year? How has life changed? How have we changed? And many of us it seems end up thinking that next year will be our year…that things will suddenly be better next year, that the world will finally bestow upon us the year we think we’re entitled to have…

Every annual turn of the Earth around the Sun is really what we make of it. The world doesn’t bestow anything upon us; luck is bullshit. I’m not going to feed you those same tired lines that if we just work hard enough, we’ll be successful and get all the material possessions that corporate America wants us to have… I don’t buy that insanity for a single minute. This system isn’t designed to reward hard work. It’s designed to reward being born into money and making the right connections which isn’t exactly based on luck, per say, either. Regardless, material wealth is only one definition of success, and it’s not synonymous with my own definition.

Individual growth, resolving inner conflict, working on our flaws, becoming better people, altruistic acts, compassion, empathy, a solid sense of humor, continuous learning for the sake of learning…these are true qualities for measuring success. Money and material possessions might buy fleeting happiness that could seem like success if examined in a certain light, but at the end of the day (or at least once the newness of whatever earnings or possession wears off), you’re not left with much. The real measure of success should be in how far you come as a human being not what you own or are capable of owning. After all, we get one shot at this and if your only legacy is being a rich asshole, I don’t think you’re accomplishing all that much. That’s not to say that personal growth and material wealth are mutually exclusive, but if you have the wealth without the growth, you have nothing at all.

With that in mind, my reflection for the year is all about personal growth considering I never really have personal monetary or material wealth. (ha).

I learned a lot about friendship this year. I lost over several months one of my longest running current friendships. This friendship in particular helped me learn a lot about myself over the 7 years that it existed, and this year was no different. In the past, I learned a lot about who I was and what I wanted to be, but it was the opposite this year—I learned how much a person can change, how much I could deny what was in front of my face in the name of friendship, and what I was and wasn’t willing to put up with in my life. In the end, I learned that a friendship where one person is continuously not willing to give (all social relationships should be give and take), it’s no longer worth it no matter the circumstances of that relationship, no matter how positive it had been in the past. Everything changes, sometimes not for the best. This was one of those times. I’ve made my peace with it and actually think I’m better off for letting go of the negativity that I held onto out of some misguided loyalty to a person who no longer appreciated it. A weight has been lifted.

In return, I’ve gained more than enough friendships to make up for it. Some of those friendships have formed solely through online interaction and others through letters. Regardless, I’ve learned more about the kind of people I want to surround myself with and how important certain qualities are in the friendships that I keep. I’ve found people that I can’t imagine living without and wonder how I ever existed without them in the first place which is one of the most rewarding experiences—to meet someone who constantly pushes you and challenges you but who is also just there to be goofy with and laugh with.

I learned a lot about self-examination and acceptance this year. I’ve never had a lot of self confidence when it comes to the way I look (despite the myriad of selfies you’ll find on my various social media accounts…). I struggle with it all the time left over from a lot of criticism as a child from a parent and grandparents who were overly judgmental about my physical appearance coupled with the crippling self doubts that women often face when comparing themselves to media ideals. I have this nagging Negative Nancy voice that constantly plagues every interaction I have and every day of my life. But, I’ve learned to shut that voice up. Sometimes it takes a swift kick to her box which I admit may be a cheap shot, but whatever works, right? Instead of constantly doubting compliments and blaming myself for things I have no control over and that really have nothing to do with me, I’ve learned to be more rational and to stop the worrying and the self-flagellation when things aren’t easy. Sometimes shit happens. I’m learning that better than ever. This year has made major improvements on that.

I’ve also learned that yoga pants are awesome, and my ass looks great in them. And that it’s okay for me to admit when I have a nice attribute or do something well. The world won’t shatter into a million pieces if I attribute something good to myself.

I still haven’t learned, however, how to best manage my introversion and my child’s extroversion without becoming completely overstimulated and stressed and overwhelmed. One day maybe? It’s a work in progress especially with him being homeschooled and me getting no breaks, but in the end, we’ll figure out a system that works. For now, it’s trial and error, and I have to be okay with that. I love him. He loves me. We laugh together and hang out. It doesn’t make me a bad Mom even though I have that thought every now and then when I try to sleep at night. We’re okay. And that’s okay. Eventually we’ll get to a harmonious place where things are a little easier. Or maybe we won’t. As long as we continue to show each other love and smooth and both work on it, we can’t go wrong.

I’ve learned better time management. I’ve stopped procrastinating and work on things before they even need to be done. This is a first for me, and I have to say I’m so fucking proud of this one. I’m terrible about leaving things until just before they’re due, but I’m getting better with it, and it’s an improvement that really helps with stress levels except for the fact that I don’t apply that to paying bills. I either wait until the day of or a few days into the grace period. It’s stupid of me and usually means late fees which is something I plan on working on this coming year. Baby steps, right?

All in all, this year had some negatives and some losses, but it was a big year for personal growth and for making a difference in the lives of others. If you’re not learning, growing, and changing, then what’s the point of life, anyway? No matter what your religious belief, surely there must be some sort of lesson in living beyond an afterlife…. Being nonreligious myself, life is the lesson, and it’s years like this one that truly prove to me what living is all about. Here’s to another year of lessons in 2015…