Mirror, Mirror

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week 13 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My “Secret Subject” is:

The mirror never lies. Or does it?

It was submitted by: http://mybrainonkids.net

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Does the mirror lie? Scientifically speaking, that depends on several factors. The quality of the glass, whether it’s concave, straight, or convex, and the type of lighting can all have an effect on the image you see in the looking glass. But there’s more to what you see than science can explain...at least not that kind of science.... Of course people make it a little more complicated.

Our own self perceptions play a role in what the mirror shows or at least in how we interpret it.

The narcissist, with his grandiose sense of self, may see his physical image far more favorably than anyone else. Donald Trump is a great example. He complained directly to the press about photos that were taken of him straight on with a smile on his face and how those photos weren’t flattering. Now, I will admit several news sources do intentionally post unflattering photos of every politician Trump included, but the photo he chose to complain about is exactly how the man looks. To him, the mirror shows something a bit more positive, and when he sees photos of himself, he balks. He can’t believe that’s the real him. The trouble comes from the “media” like with every other problem he has and not with his own thinking or actions.

It’s the complete opposite for me, and it’s something that requires a lot of hard work to overcome. And to be honest, I am nowhere near overcoming it fully. Body dysmorphia and self image issues play a large role in how I see myself. I do have good days and feel cute as fuck, but a lot of the time when I look in the mirror I see someone who is a hundred pounds heavier with a face too big for her features, ridiculous hair, and zero makeup skills. There’s a disconnect some days between reality and what my own self-image causes me to see. And that’s not to say that I’m not a chubby girl or that I don’t have bad hair days or bad makeup days, but it’s not the same as that. Some days it’s absolute despair to look into a mirror and see what I see which is nothing like what other people see…or so they say. I don’t really trust compliments either for fuck’s sake. It’s a tough road.

Somewhere in the back of my head even on bad days I know it’s what I’m seeing not necessarily what’s there, but it’s a powerful thing, that distorted image in the mirror in front of me. I fight it some days hoping to come out on top and others it’s just too much and I sink back into old habits of crying and avoiding and hiding out in the house instead of going to do the things I need to do.

But is that the mirror or me?

The mirror being an object based on a bit of science should be absolutely objective in the image it projects back to you, but life isn’t ever really so simple. Humans are so adept at fucking up objectivity. I mean, let’s be honest we’re adept at fucking up just about everything we touch, but that would take us down a rabbit hole none of us have the time to really explore. The mirror does lie to some of us, but that’s because we lie to ourselves. What we see is something we’ve created in our own minds shaped by experience, loss, trauma, abuse, resonating voices from the past, love, hope, the fight in us, and sometimes mental illness. It’s more complex that the pathway of light and color playing on our eyes from a straight cut of reflective glass that science would have us believe.

Maybe one day I’ll see exactly what’s there without all the baggage I’ve accumulated over the years, but as long as I have more good days than bad, I’ll take it.

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Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Baking In A Tornado http://www.bakinginatornado.com/2016/12/secret-subject-swap-looking-back-while.html

Not That Sarah Michelle http://notthatsarahmichelle.blogspot.com

The Bergham Chronicles http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com

Spatulas on Parade http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com

The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver http://www.thediaryofanalzheimerscaregiver.com/blog.html

The Lieber Family Blog http://www.thelieberfamily.com/2016/12/my-best-memory-of-2016.html

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy http://dinoheromommy.com/?p=12126&preview=true

Never Ever Give Up Hope http://batteredhope.blogspot.com

Simply Shannon http://mybrainonkids.net

A Little Piece of Peace http://little-piece-of-peace.blogspot.com/2016/12/december-secret-subject-swap.html
Confessions of a part time working mom http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.com/2016/12/december-secret-subject-swap-three.html

The Angrivated Mom Blog http://www.angrivatedmom.wordpress.com/

A Little Ranty Thing

Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

My words are: pollen, allergies, last day, help, boxed wine, school. They were submitted by: http://notthatsarahmichelle.blogspot.com

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It’s the season for pollen and allergies and apparently crippling sinus infections. For a little over a week now, I have had a raging fever and the type of pressure in my face that makes me feel like a balloon filled to nearly bursting. It’s been a snotty week, and it’s the end of the school year for Evan, so we have been a bit slack on things. I can’t exactly say that’s a great development as we edge closer and closer to the last day of the year because Evan is already a bit antsy like a caged animal when it comes to doing his schoolwork.

I know exactly why I chose to homeschool him. There are reasons stacked upon reasons, and for the last year and a half it has mostly been a decision that I don’t question, but there are times like the last few weeks that I wonder exactly what kind of nut I must be.

Is that the key factor in good parenting? Wondering about your sanity?

Evan has ADHD, but I have chosen at this point not to put him on medication. Exercise before he works on schoolwork, frequent breaks for more exercise, tips and tricks, and some extra supplements have been the choice treatment so far, and most days that seems to work. Most. Certainly not all. There are days when he spaces out every lecture, hands in worksheets he never touched, can’t answer a single question about what the work involved that day, or finds a way to do anything and everything else besides what he has been assigned. I won’t lie; those days are fucking trying, and with both of us alternating being sick and it being the end of the year, they have happened a bit more frequently.

The fact that I have an ugly and severe case of generalized anxiety disorder doesn’t really help things either. The tough days are the days I question every little thing I do. If I am ruining him, if he will be fine and be able to still make something of himself, if I expect too much, push him too hard, make him feel loved… My head fills with worry and stress and questions and freaks and bends and shakes and I feel like everything I try to do crumbles in front of me.

Then I pull through it, recognize what’s going on for what it is, and I flip anxiety a double bird. Anxiety can eat a bag of dicks. Really. It’s enough to make a girl want to sit around in her pajamas watching shitty tv and drinking boxed wine.

There’s such a stigma with asking for help, with admitting you have a problem and need to lean on someone for awhile, so mostly I have kept this to myself trying to deal with it all, trying to find my own way.

Anxiety is a little like being obsessed with Justin Bieber. It’s a big deal for you and it affects your daily life in innumerable ways, but it’s absolutely horrible having to tell anyone about it unless you find someone else that’s obsessed with that little twatwaffle too.

By the way, I am absolutely not obsessed with Justin Bieber. Even my guilty pleasures would probably turn their noses up at that. But, if I were a closeted Bieleber, I’m fairly certain admitting so in public would be as painful as asking for help with the anxiety that often leaves me crippled by my own thoughts, unable to sleep, and wondering just what the fuck I am going to do with myself.

So here I am nearing the end of another week still with a fever having explained adding decimals for like the 60.45th time and hoping that maybe my pulse rate will drop below 90 some time before the a.m. so I can get in bed at a decent hour.

If it doesn’t I may just opt for whiskey instead of wine.

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Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

Baking In A Tornado http://www.bakinginatornado.com/2016/05/use-your-words-change-is-chocolate-cake.html

Southern Belle Charm http://www.southernbellecharm.com

Not That Sarah Michelle http://notthatsarahmichelle.blogspot.com

Spatulas on Parade http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/2016/05/pig-on-pig-take-2-bacon-wrapped-pork.html

The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver http://www.thediaryofanalzheimerscaregiver.com/blog.html

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy http://dinoheromommy.com/2016/05/13/saving-money-with-freezer-meals/

My Brain on Kids http://mybrainonkids.net

The Bergham Chronicles http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com

Never Ever Give Up Hope http://batteredhope.blogspot.com

Climaxed http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com

Confessions of a part time working mom http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.com/2016/05/use-your-words-jump-rope.html

The Angrivated Mom http://www.angrivatedmom.wordpress.com/