Target Practice

PULL!!!

I bring the shotgun to my shoulder and aim carefully making sure to slow my breathing and visually

track the arc of the target within the sites of the gun. When I lock onto it, I pull away accounting for the velocity of the “bird” before pulling the trigger. The blast recoils the butt of the gun into my shoulder but I don’t take my eyes off the prize. Above me in the sky, I see the novel obliterated into confetti that rains down on the ground around me. Book burning really isn’t my thing, but the rush I get from literally exploding a copy of 50 Shades of Grey is priceless. 50 Shades of Abuse should really be the name of this piece of poorly written garbage but somehow it swept hordes of women into some kind of contract-desiring spell. I’ve hooked up with 18 year olds who had a better grasp on sexuality than the author of this series. Watching small chunks of it fall on the grass with a thud as bland as the plot itself is almost as satisfying as well-earned spanking.

PULL!!!

The next target arcs through the sky above me and the process repeats itself again. This time it’s Beyonce’s latest album. I know, I know… How can I despise this pop cultural phenomenon and icon? She claims to be feminist, right? And all kinds of other garbage? I can’t be a good feminist if I criticize her, you say. Oh, fuck that noise. Feminism is a state of mind. It’s not just a label you hide behind so you can flaunt your sexuality on a stage or in a video without getting negative attention or so that when you do get negative attention you can shout out loud that it’s not feminist to stifle someone else’s sexuality. Puh-lease. Does that mean Nikki Minaj is a feminist just because she brought Baby Got Back back from a grave it wasn’t even really in just so she could horribly disfigure it, kill it, and set fire to it? No. Her big ass crawling around on screen doesn’t make her a feminist either. Miley certainly doesn’t get a pass on this either. More or less, you have to do more to further the cause than pave the way for people to gyrate in public without guilt (even though to some degree I do agree that’s part of it). So, why don’t we just make this a 3 for 1. As inspired as I feel to destroy all their things, I’m sure I can make all three shots in one pull. Go ahead and make my day.

PULL!!

The O’Reilly Factor has to go, man. It has to. I don’t know how I can absolutely destroy this paradigm of inflammatory “news” programming, but it needs to be done. I follow several resources that fact-check news hosts as well as politicians, and I must say for someone who thinks he’s so fucking right all the time, most of his “news” is complete and utter bullshit. You can research that for yourself. So, in essence, he’s no better than a terrorist. He incites others to believe propaganda that enforces closely held beliefs that are not based in any sort of fact whatsoever and calls them to action based on complete dishonesty and a type of brainwashing—the kind of people who believe Bill O’Reilly typically are more likely to believe their falsehoods even more strongly when shown evidence to the contrary. He’s not the only one to do it, and certainly both sides of the spectrum have these issues with the truth, but I do think he’s the biggest cuntopotamus of them all, so he can be my lesson to everyone else.

PULL!!

TLC has got to fucking go. Let’s look at the lineup: 19 Kids and Counting, My 600 Lb Life, Sex Sent Me to the ER, Sister Wives, Angels Among Us, Buying Naked, 3 fucking shows with the guy from Cake Boss as if he and his family weren’t annoying enough on 1 damned show. I mean, garbage, garbage, garbage. Let’s not forget that this channel also gave us Honey Boo Boo. TLC is supposed to stand for The Learning Channel. Learning. All we’re learning on this channel is that people with problems are supposed to be watched like Side Show acts and that even a bakery is so filled to the gills with drama that it needs a television show or apparently 3. Reality TV is terrible enough by design but TLC has this special ability to make people feel like they need a shower just by flipping past the channel much less stopping to actually watch. We get extreme archtype characters from these shows. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to give assholes like the Duggars or the Honey Boo Boos (whatever the fuck they are really called) are fascinating enough to mainstream them? It’s not about them being relateable. At all. And that’s the sad part of it. TLC, The Learning Channel, put these shows on the air so that the average American can say, hey…my life isn’t THAT bad! Look at those FREAKS. You know, really…if your life is to the point that watching some other family with a host of problems on television is what it takes to make you feel better about yourself then you need to work on that instead of mindlessly indulging in TV. TLC is feeding into a lifestyle where people can get out of working on themselves as long as they’re not as bad as people with idiotic lifestyles on television. What does that say about our culture?

PULL!!

Man, I could do this all day. The lineup would probably include some more “artists.” Kanye will not escape this pop culture demolition derby. Beck who plays 14 instruments should respect the artistry of someone who needs that many people to write her songs for her and who plays no instruments? Fuck. Gamergate is on the list. That whole movement where guys carry semi-automatic rifles into Target or Chipotle has to go too. OOOO….Michael Bay movies. All of them. And maybe that whole thing where people take movies we loved long ago and turn them into TV shows because TV revolutionized the way we view stories in the past several years….I mean, I get it. We used to have sitcom-centric television, but the advent of things like The Walking Dead changed television. Things are so much different now. But, seriously… Fargo, From Dusk til Dawn, Bates Motel, Hannibal, 12 Monkeys…fuck’s sake. Leave movies alone that we already know the end to and focus on bringing us new stories. I’m okay with that. I think other people are okay with that. Twilight. Got to go. And, while we’re at it…the word “smoothie.” I cringe every single time someone says it.

So, in al seriousness, I wrote this is fun, but there’s some underlying sentiment there. I think there are some barnacles on American culture that distract from potential, that hold us back or even act like parasites draining the remaining resolve that people have to be better. Some of those are serious issues like this blanket of entitlement that seems to keep young men from realizing that women have choices and that those choices don’t involve sleeping with whoever pays them attention. Rape culture is a strong issue to tackle. But, in the same token, there are some more light hearted issues that don’t seem like that big a deal on the surface, like 50 Shades of Gray, but really are just another weight on the pile that’s already drowning us in a sea of idiocy. And, I think talking about it maybe breaks the cycle of brainwashing or has the possibility to do so.

So what would you put on your target list?

Sunday is all about the confessions! Hope you'll stop by More Than Cheese and Beer to read all the submissions.