Friday, December 10, 2021

I Got Old

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This month 5 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My “Secret Subject” is:

Today is my birthday. I turn 39. If you’ve turned 39, how did you celebrate the last year of your 30’s?

It was submitted by:


Are people still celebrating birthdays in this panorama? This panini? This profusion of particulates?

I turned 40 this year, so I rang out the last year of my 30s sitting my ass at home like I have been since early 2020 which, you know, is fine. I like being at home. I don't like people much. I'm not into labels much but if the shoe fits I'm gonna wear that sumbitch, and I have to say introvert does fit. My happy place is home writing letters to the friends I've made in prison or painting or any other activity that involves me staying the right temperature and cozy in my house and unbothered.

My 30s were probably the best time of my life so far because I really learned to stop giving a fuck. Is it sad to be at home as much as I am? I'm sure someone somewhere thinks so but you know they can eat my entire fat ass if they make their opinion of my life my business. Otherwise they're perfectly welcome to think what they wanna think.

I wasn't with family much outside of who lives in my house because my 30s also taught me I don't have to put up with anyone's bullshit to keep the peace. And that's ok. I made new friends (yes mostly online) and learned so much. Seriously according to Spotify unwrapped I spent over 6500 minutes of my life listening to almost 100 episodes of Behind the Bastards podcast in 2021 and that's not even the only one I listen to. I found peace with endings--of relationships, of my 30s, of me not needing an eye cream.

I never expected to be this age so I'm certainly not going to be dragged into 40 kicking and screaming the way we're taught we should, do I spent my year being hopeful about my age--embracing it and being determined that my 40s are going to be even better than the decade before. I feel like I've grown more this past year than at any other time in my life perhaps.

Between churching it up with my atheist ass and embracing the big As without hesitancy (anarchism and abolitionist not adultery) Ive become a better person, a more empathetic and compassionate one. A healthier one. And I feel both terrified and optimistic about the future of society. I dont know that I could be here without the distance from certain hurts that only aging can bring.

But you'll have to pry my purple hair from my cold, dead hands because I'm not ready to embrace the grays yet. Just so we're clear.



  1. The thirties were years of huge growth and change for you. Keep celebrating you, I'll be over here embracing the grays.

  2. Yes! I didn't get there with age for some reason, but when momma died I no longer had to keep up relationships for her benefit. I cut my three brothers out of my life. Haven't seen them since the so-called funeral for her. I haven't regretted it for one second. It's amazing how just making those changes, changed not only my outlook but my physical health as well. Not only have I come off of 60% of my meds but I've also lost 40lbs. Stress kills. I have my family, my husband of 30 years and my children and grands and I love spending time with them in doses. I'm like you, I'm happiest sitting at home with my laptop. I haven't eaten out since this pandemic began, but I think I use that as an excuse to stay home more!

  3. Having made these changes and decisions, you'll be rocking your 40s!