Friday, March 8, 2019

The Lady Who Pet a Bear

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week 9 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My “Secret Subject” is:

What is your biggest fear? Why?

It was submitted by:

Okay, so this probably isn't really my biggest fear, but my health has been extremely poor lately and has put me in a negative headspace, and I wanted to keep this light. If I talked about the kinds of fears I have associated with being sick, I'd just dig that negative headspace deeper to the point I might not be able to dig out. it's been hard enough to find good days as it is. thanks for understanding.


If you’re my facebook friend, you might recognize this story, but it’s a story that needs to be told in order to understand the gravity of my situation.

I was showering with the dog a couple weeks ago. Let me add here that we all take turns showering with the dog because it’s easier. Pushing a 150+lb great dane into a tub takes W O R K. And that’s before you factor in that if you put him in the tub, you’re going to have to get in there with him if you don’t want the entire bathroom soaked after he jumps out and flees out the door. So he showers with us. None of us like it except him, but dogs have no shame. At all.

There I am trying to shave. With the dog in the shower. I have no good explanation for why it couldn’t wait, but it just couldn’t. The leg I’m shaving is propped above the dog’s back on the back wall of the shower, so I could get the job done without getting my hair wet. But here’s the problem—my foot slipped. My foot slipped down the wall until it hit the floor on the opposite side of the dog, so there I am, naked, with one leg on either side of the dog.


For clarity, I am, in fact, naked. In the shower. With the dog.

Here’s the even bigger problem—the dog is taller than my legs are long, so that when my foot initially slips and lands on the floor, my other foot lifts up, and I can’t really stand with that one anymore. I don’t have my balance and kind of teeter there with my toes sort of gripping the shower floor at alternate times. My life flashes before my eyes because I just cannot see this working out in my favor when I finally managed to get a stable grip and get my shit together. Crisis mostly averted. This time.

While I finished shaving—obviously it still had to be done--I realized my entire purpose in life is to embarrass myself as much as humanly possible every single day.

Can you imagine the horror of falling and hurting yourself and whoever finds you also finds you in the shower, naked, and with the dog? And the harder you try to explain how things went awry, the more ridiculous and unbelievable you sound…

I figure that the likelihood I become some urban legend kind of story, some weird death or injury or hilarious anecdote, is looming larger than life, and who wants to be reduced to that?

Lady, 37, dies at home after slipping on a puddle of dog drool and gets eaten by her 16 cats.

Neighborhood woman gets trampled at local dairy farm while attempting to “save the cows.”

Georgia resident dies attempting to pet a bear, screams “fuck yes” just before the attack.

Local woman dies from rabies after attempting to save an injured raccoon.

Climax woman goes missing after calling a local militia member a “walking participation trophy.”

Get the picture? At some point, I am absolutely sure that my lack of judgment when it comes to pets and animals or just in general is going to make me some kind of laughing stock erasing every good I’ve tried to do in my life. Just a “foot in my mouth” legend who might have dreamed of cuddling a cheetah cub. Who knows? What I do know is I have no idea how to turn it off at this point in my life, so I guess I’m just going to live in fear that I won’t realize how terrible my judgment is until the moment it all goes south while hoping for the best.

And maybe I’ll actually get to pet a bear.


Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Baking In A Tornado

Never Ever Give Up Hope

The Blogging 911

Cognitive Script

Southern Belle Charm

The Bergham Chronicles

The Crazy Mama Llama

Part-time Working Hockey Mom


  1. Oh Jenniy, I didn't want to laugh, but my mind created all those pictures of you and your dog in the shower, trying to shave, and while I totally feel for you I had so laugh - especially reading the headlines you've created. So I guess I'm laughing *with* you. And I do hope you won't slip and fall in the future. Probably shave without the dog?

  2. I'm thinking that shaving in the shower with a 150# dog may be even scarier than petting a bear.

  3. Always interesting to hear what people fear the most. Everyone is so different and it makes you wonder what triggered that in the first place. I loved the images you created and yes, I have showered with my dog.

  4. Sorry, didn't want to laugh, but the visuals of you in the shower with the dog? best laugh I've had all week!

  5. I laughed my ass off at this because sadly I could picture it so clearly lol! I have to say though that my favorite part was, "Climax woman goes missing after calling a local militia member a “walking participation trophy.” please tell me this is true, well not the missing part! I love it!