Sunday, August 10, 2014

Push It Real Good

Sex. Given this subject, I could go on for days about awkward memories, the immense love I have for sex, the potential health benefits, and all the reasons why people should be having more of it, but I think, a Klosterman hyperthetical is in order this Sunday.

Here’s the question:

Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a 15-minute speech to the assembly.

What do you talk about?

Ok, first of all 15 minutes is ludicrous. Having taken several speech and drama courses in my lifetime, I can tell you that there’s a lot of writing involved with a 15 minute speech or monologue. Also, I sort of need to know if phone sex and strictly oral sex qualify people as former lovers and whether or not people will be brought back from the dead to attend. If so, that changes things. As it is, with my limited information, here goes:

“Well…I don’t know if your invites, by chance, may have mentioned the reason you’re all here, but apparently someone thought it would be a good idea, or perhaps hilariously awkward, if all my former lovers and I were thrown together for a dinner in my honor. All I can say is the person responsible is either incredibly stupid or the kind of evil genius that deserves my utmost respect.

I hate public speaking, so making this little speech could be completely miserable for me, but I’ve already seen all of you naked so I don’t even have to imagine what you look like without your clothes. Now that we have the obligatory corny speech-joke out of the way, we can proceed…

Some of you may be looking around the room marveling at the number of you in attendance today. To those of you who are, stop trying to count heads. It won’t change the fact that you’re all here for the same reason, and no one needs to know a specific number. I stopped keeping track of it a long time ago when I figured out that I could have as much sex as I wanted without feeling guilty as long as I did so carefully. I totally shattered that fucking double standard that vilifies women for doing what they want to do and applauds men for the same actions. (pun intended)

There are some of you I enjoyed. The memories of some of you still make me cringe. Some of you I completely forgot about until right this moment when I just saw your face but now that I remember, I can see why I forgot. And, some of you should most definitely give me a call. But regardless of the quality of the time we shared together, let’s make the best of the night. I don’t harbor any ill will toward any of you which is understandable since there was never any sort of relationship with most of you that would invoke any emotional reaction upon seeing you, and for the ones I did try the whole relationship thing with, I truly believe we’ve moved past any awkwardness or ill will except maybe you *points* who still grosses me out.

We shared a moment in our time together. Life is short and for whatever reason we chose to spend some of our precious moments with one another. Let’s raise our glasses to that…to the shared enjoyment of each other’s time, to the intimacy we shared. I’ve had some of the best conversations of my life with many of you just preceding the ultimate act of the night, and those are moments I have kept close and relished over the years—the talks, the shared laughs, the deep engagement about everything from childhood cartoons to religion to politics to books. One of the best dates of my life involved a traded movie list over a slice of late night truck stop pie. The sex afterward was great, but it never would have happened if that conversation hadn’t been so genuine and fun—a moment that could never be recaptured. Being sniffed in a pool hall wasn’t a bad night either and has been the gift that keeps on giving for over 4 years now. There was the night I shared a 6 pack on my couch with a date, one of you, who kissed me for the first time in the middle of a conversation about my bookshelf. I’ve never let go of the awesomeness of the conversations we had that night. It wasn’t just the sex with most of you…it was a memory, a part of my story and yours. And, that is never cheap.

If nothing else, I hope at the very least, you will all take a drink with me to celebrate the awesomeness of sex if not necessarily that time that *we* had sex.

I don’t want the night to be a total waste of anyone’s time, so if you’re feeling awkward or jealous or weirded out, it’s probably best for you to leave. There’s no time to dwell on negativity in our lives and no one is required to stay. I’m not going to ask you to share with the group our memory, and I’m not going to call anyone (else) out, so let’s shed the worried glances and dance.

Who’s going to do karaoke of Salt ‘N Peppa’s Push It???

Check out the rest of the Confessions this Sunday over at More than Cheese and Beer and check out her Facebook page for anonymous confessions! Thanks for reading. 


  1. Again.... you leave me in awe. Awesome.

  2. Very nice!

    Sadly, my banquet could be held at a normal booth in a Denny's, with room for the waitperson to sit down.

    Favorite line: "It wasn’t just the sex with most of you…it was a memory, a part of my story and yours."
    That's what life is, really; A series of intersecting stories where sometimes we're the main character, and sometimes just a walk-on part. The best stories are ones where we have co-stars that deserve equal billing.

  3. As always, well done. Love the spin you took too using Klosterman. Really cool way to dissect something.