Sunday, April 13, 2014

Never Time Travel Through Your Vagina

This week's prompt was Lessons. Head over to More Than Cheese And Beer to see the other submissions!

The first time I ever got stoned I didn’t feel much of anything so I pretended to *have* to have skittles and sliced turkey because I thought I had to do something like have the munchies or I would look like a complete goon. I had been hanging out with friends that were much older than me. Friends that were in a band. A high school band. I can’t entirely blame the friends for my partaking in drugs since it was my own dad that sold it to them. That's how I met them.

At the time, I had developed quite a crush on the drummer. He had long hair, and he was in a band. That’s all I can really say. I have no real clear memories about what else was going on that made him so hot. In hindsight, hot is not exactly the word anybody would ever choose for that guy. Seriously. But, I was young and easily impressionable I suppose. I was also trying way too hard, and I was way too young, so it’s no surprise that he didn’t really take my crush seriously and tended, more or less, to find it annoying more than anything.

When I ran into him years later while I was working in a pharmacy, I was a bit surprised. I thought, for sure, that he would have moved on and gone on to greater things.

If drug dealer, AA, terrorizing an ex, and a lengthy probation are great things, then by all means he had definitely seen some success.

Despite all those red flags, though, a 22 year old me decided it was best to finally put some closure on this situation. I had pined for him for years and not so much as gotten a cursory glance, and at that point, he actually seemed to be interested. He would come in some days and purposefully stop by the pharmacy just to chat with me for a bit. All the signs were there, and the younger me that was still hidden away inside was jumping for joy. FINALLY is what that young-me was screaming, and her elation and sense of validation were supremely motivational.

We started hanging out. I mean, AA was only a couple blocks from my house, so it was easy for him to just drive on down afterwards (yes, I know how that sounds). We went to the beach, made out, napped, watched movies. The usual. It wasn’t hot and heavy or extremely passionate, but when he asked me back to his place to spend the night (he had a probation curfew and couldn't stay with me), I agreed. I probably shouldn’t have considering he still lived with his parents, and I had already fulfilled the childish fantasies I had at 13 and 14. The 22 year old me, though, had bigger plans.

Unfortunately, those plans were quite honestly completely pulverized by the events of the evening. I had to sneak in quietly so we wouldn’t wake up his parents. It was awkward to even be there, and when the time came for us to actually, well, you know….it was probably some of the most awful sex I had ever had. Even 10 years later it still ranks in the top 5 worst. At one point, I actually had to tell him that it just wasn’t working for me and left taking my cute little overnight bag with a very disgusted me.


Life lessons number 142 and 143: Leave the past in the past because most of the time the sex isn’t worth it and never have sex with a guy who is on probation and living with his parents.

The combination is about as satisfying as a stale rice cake.

As you see, it is physically impossible to successfully time travel through the vagina.

1 comment:

  1. You and I share so many things it's creepy sometimes. I adore you. Thanks for another great post.